Covid Lessons: A Time for Masculinities to Change

The two news items that caught the eye on the first day of colour-coded lockdown were about the long queues in front of liquor shops across the country and that of an Instagram group of young boys. In some places the line was long and orderly, in others all caution and distancing was thrown into the winds as people jostled for space. There were ‘lathi-charges’ and there were record sales. State governments saw a quick opportunity to make up for their depleted tax collections by announcing tax hikes. The other news was less dramatic but more shocking. It was about an Instagram group of young high-school students called ‘Bois LockerRoom’. Adolescent boys from relatively well-off families in Delhi were using this social media group to discuss rape, gang-rape, girls’ bodies, and other sexually degrading topics.

Young men keep coming back into the news cycle for different reasons. Violence is one of the most common reasons. There is news of different kinds of ‘hate-crimes’ based on religion and caste and there is violence against women, including sexual violence. Then there is news of suicide, be it the occasional story coming out of even premier institutions like the IITs or of the farmer suicides which are common in many parts of India. Reports that have been compiled on these issues are worrying. While the news reports around the opening of liquor shops are mostly frivolous, alcoholism is on the rise and a recent WHO report claimed that per capita alcohol in India doubled between 2005 and 2016. The Pew Research Centre on social hostilities shows crimes from religious hostilities are among the highest in the world in India. The National Crime Records Bureau shows that crimes based on caste atrocities have risen significantly in the last few years. The Nirbhaya case had highlighted how juveniles become engaged in sordid sexual violence, and the ‘Bois Locker Room’ story shows such violence exists freely in the imaginations of the youth.

When a boy is born, he is equally adorable as the infant girl. Boys need the same care as girls and give the same joy to their parents and grandparents. However, society puts a higher premium on the boy. As the boys and girls start growing up, they are often treated differently. Somehow by the time they are in their teens the difference becomes sharper. Girls are often told things that they should not do and what they should be careful about. An incident like the Nirbhaya case or the ‘Bois Locker Room’ reinforces the fear of families and of society that girls are at risk of violence and sexual predation on the streets or on the internet. Girls need to be kept safe and they need their freedoms. The best way to keep them safe cannot be through telling girls when they should return and where they cannot go, or by not giving them a smart phone. Stricter laws and penalties cannot be the only way to keep women and girls safe.

While the safety of women and girls is a valid societal concern, we need to be equally concerned with what is happening to men and boys in the changing world. Laws and punishment are perhaps necessary, even though their deterrent value has been debated. But can we leave it to the laws alone without questioning how we as families and societies raise our boys into men? Why is it that young high school students form such groups like the ‘Bois Locker Room’ where they freely engage in online abuse of their own classmates? Why is it that young men commit such heinous crimes like gang rape of the young woman journalist in the Shakti Mills case in Mumbai or the gang rape and murder of the young veterinarian in Hyderabad? Is it in any way related to the rising alcoholism and substance abuse among young men? Are farmers suicides in Vidharbha region of Maharashtra different from the suicide of the young research scholar in IIT Kharagpur?

There is news that the lockdown has increased reports of violence against women and children and some are calling it the pandemic within the pandemic. The lockdown has brought into sharp focus the fact that the home is not a safe space for women. The way we bring up our boys and our girls with respect to the home is different. The home and all the work that goes with running the household belongs to the girl’s or the women’s domain. In progressive homes, daughters are under no pressure to learn cooking or housekeeping but once they get married it is expected that they will learn to take care of these responsibilities. I have heard progressive professional couples say that after they married and had children, they jointly decided that the woman/mother would leave her job and stay at home, while the man/father would keep working. Rarely if ever, the decision is the other way around. Recent investigations show that one of the reasons women in India are dropping off from the workforce is that their income is no longer necessary for running the family or that they got married or had children.

If the household is for women, men are expected to be the breadwinners or providers. They receive more opportunities for education, including a greater opportunity to study abroad in families who can afford to send them. Boys are also goaded to succeed. While progressive parents are increasingly providing these privileges to their daughters, training boys to do domestic chores is still not something that is common. However, boys learn that their tiniest needs will be satisfied. The single child probably grows up with this expectation even more. This indulgence given by parents and grandparents during childhood creates a ‘habit’ of expecting to be ‘served’ by their partner in later life. The consequence of this indulgence is harmful and not being satisfied with the food being served is an important reason noted for domestic violence in India.

I do not want to imply that it is a straight and clear pathway from childhood indulgence of boys to sexual violence or suicide. However, I do want to emphasise that we need to revisit the way we bring up our sons, especially in the context of their ability to manage expectations, success, uncertainty and failure. Boys are expected to be breadwinners, they are expected to be successful, they are expected to be tough and not ‘cry’ because it is a sign of weakness. However, life deals us with many more ‘dud’ hands than winners. This Covid situation is a particularly bad hand. For a vast majority, income opportunities have disappeared overnight. They have been relegated to the home; they are anxious, they are fidgety. Within the household there are many more chores to perform, and women are stressed with additional responsibilities to be managed with fewer resources. It is a pressure cooker situation, and society has given men the freedom to express themselves through anger and violence.

Men, masculinity, and violence are intimately related. While society abhors men showing emotions like care or affection or fear or vulnerability, it is okay with men showing hate and ridicule and anger and violence. Dominating others, expressing power and control over others, defeating others are other values which are associated with successful masculinity. Sexual conquest is an important aspect of success and sexual domination is an important dimension of the power over others. The idea of domination is the opposite of respect and care. So, boys do not think twice about sexual conquest or domination of their own classmates. They have seen it in films, read it in books, probably heard about it from their family members.

One dimension of the lack of care is also the lack of self-care. What we see as the ‘gym’ culture today is perhaps less to do with caring for one’s body as it is to do with ‘showing off’. The sculpted six-pack, the nutritional supplements and the steroids also have the potential of doing harm but are seen to contribute to ‘success’. Substance abuse is another form of lack of care and self-harm. The idea of being the provider, of being ‘successful’, of being tough leaves men with few opportunities to retreat in the face of adversity and to lick their wounds. Alcohol and opiods are used in celebration but are also valid ways of coping, and the ‘Devdas’ trope is extremely popular. Another increasingly common way of coping with the failure to perform to expectations is suicide. It is even considered the ‘honourable’ thing to do.

Society tends to reproduce itself, and times of crisis can bring out the best in us or the worst. The world of men has been changing substantially in the last decades. There have been many signs that men have not been adjusting well with these changes. The lockdown is bringing in another set of radical changes in all our lives, including that of men. It is time for us decide how we want to see our future and our relationships with one another. While we gird ourselves up for these new challenges, we need to give new roles to men, because the older ones are no longer fit for purpose. And we need to start young with our boys.